Domestic Violence and Abus

Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, reach out. There is help available.

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate; it happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

Signs that you’re in an abusive relationship

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time? avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior

Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you? criticize you and put you down? treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? blame you for their own abusive behavior? see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats

Does your partner: have a bad and unpredictable temper? hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? threaten to take your children away or harm them? threaten to commit suicide if you leave? force you to have sex? destroy your belongings?

Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior

Does your partner: act excessively jealous and possessive? control where you go or what you do? keep you from seeing your friends or family? limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? constantly check up on you?

Physical abuse and domestic violence

When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse

Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically andsexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

It is still abuse if...

• The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television, or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
• The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.
• The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
• There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

Source: Breaking the Silence Handbook

Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think

When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. The scars of emotional abuse are very real, though, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:

• Rigidly controlling your finances
• Withholding money or credit cards
• Making you account for every penny you spend
• Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter)
• Restricting you to an allowance
• Preventing you from working or choosing your own career
• Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
• Stealing from you or taking your money

Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

• Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
• Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
• Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
• Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
• Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time

• Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
• Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
• Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
• Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

• Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
• Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
• Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
• "Normal" behavior – The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
• Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
• Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

The full cycle of domestic violence: An example

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her, "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "You're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.
Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse

It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.

General warning signs of domestic abuse

People who are being abused may:

• Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner
• Go along with everything their partner says and does
• Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing
• Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner
• Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness

Warning signs of physical violence

People who are being physically abused may:

• Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents”
• Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation
• Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors)

Warning signs of isolation

People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

• Be restricted from seeing family and friends
• Rarely go out in public without their partner
• Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car

The psychological warning signs of abuse

People who are being abused may:

• Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident
• Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn)
• Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal

Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse

Do's and don'ts

Do:

• Ask if something is wrong
• Express concern
• Listen and validate
• Offer help
• Support his or her decisions

Don’t:

• Wait for him or her to come to you
• Judge or blame
• Pressure him or her
• Give advice
• Place conditions on your support

Adapted from: NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence

If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life.
Talk to the person in private and let him or her know that you’re concerned. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell the person that you’re there, whenever he or she feels ready to talk. Reassure the person that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let him or her know that you’ll help in any way you can.
Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.

More help for domestic violence and abuse

Abuse Help Center: Whether you’re the abused, the abuser, or a concerned friend or family member, it’s important to know that there is help available.

Related articles

• Help for Abused Men: Escaping Domestic Violence by Women or Domestic Partners
• Child Abuse and Neglect: Recognizing, Preventing, and Reporting Child Abuse
• Anger Management: Tips and Techniques for Getting Anger Under Control
• Healing Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Symptoms, Treatment, and Recovery

Resources and references

Warning signs of abusive relationships and emotional abuse

Red Flags for Abusive Relationships – Checklist of warning signs and red flags that you’re in an abusive relationship. (YWCA)
Emotional Abuse – In-depth discussion of emotional abuse, including types of emotional abuse and signs of abusive, authority-based relationships. (EQI.org)

Domestic violence and physical abuse

Breaking the Silence Handbook – Guide to domestic violence including spotting the signs and where to turn for help. (Nebraska Health and Human Services)
The Problem – Describes the problem of battering and signs of domestic violence. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

For men

Intimate Partner Abuse Against Men (PDF) – Learn about domestic violence against men, including homosexual partner abuse, sexual abuse of boys and male teenagers, and abuse by wives or partners. (National Clearinghouse on Family Violence, Canada)

For teens

Dating Violence – Guide to teen dating violence, including early warning signs that your boyfriend or girlfriend may become abusive. (The Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
Teens: Love Doesn’t Have To Hurt (PDF) – A teen-friendly guide to what abuse looks like in dating relationships and how to do something about it. (American Psychological Association)

For gay men and women

Domestic Violence in Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Relationships – Learn about the unique problems victims of same-sex abuse face, and how to get help. (LAMBDA)

For immigrants

Information for Immigrants – Domestic violence resources for immigrant women. Also available enEspañol. (Women’s Law Initiative)

Domestic violence hotlines and help

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. (Texas Council on Family Violence)
State Coalition List – Directory of state offices that can help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost legal services. Includes all U.S. states, as well as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women – Specializing in providing support to male victims of abuse. (DAHMV)
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies – Worldwide list of helplines and crisis centers. (HotPeachPages)
Help for Victims, Family and Friends – Where to find help if you or someone you know is being abused. (NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence)

What other readers are saying

“The most informative and realistic information I have ever read on the subject. My daughter has had the misfortune to be in an abusive marriage for many years, making several breaks but then going back. I am hoping that the break she is making now is her passport to freedom and newly-found self-esteem. The character and behavior traits which you describe could easily be a fitting CV for my ex-son-in-law . . . very sad and so damaging. This issue needs so much more publicity and young people need to be educated to recognize the signs in themselves and others.” ~ United Kingdom

“I am a family nurse practitioner . . . I found your website incredibly informative and found it as a good resource to suggest to any patients in the future who are in need of help.” ~ Illinois

Authors: Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. Last updated: October 2015.

What is woman abuse?

Woman abuse involves the intent by a woman’s intimate partner (dating, common-law, legally married or estranged) to intimidate her, either by threat or by use of physical force on her person or property. The purpose of the assault is to control her behaviour by the inducement of fear, either by forcing her to do what he wants or by preventing her from doing as she wishes. Underlying all abuse is a power imbalance between the victim and the perpetrator. (Joint Committee on Domestic Violence, 1999)

The United Nations General Assembly (1993) also defines woman abuse as, “any act of gender-based violence that results in or is likely to result in physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty whether occurring or in private.”

• Woman abuse is intended to induce fear, humiliation and control.

• It can occur in both heterosexual and same-sex relationships.

• Abuse may occur during a relationship, while the couple is breaking up or during the separation process.

• Violence against women is not a result of the abuser losing control. It is the intentional control of one person by another. The abuser is purposefully using verbal, non-verbal or physical means to gain control over the other person. In many cases, abusive partners are not abusive or violent to others outside the family or home.

• Woman abuse is a crime and a serious societal problem that has negative effects on the health, well-being and development of women, children, families and the community.

• Abuse is not limited to any single act or behaviour but rather involves a pattern of physical, sexual and/or psychological behaviours perpetrated by a current or former partner. It may or may not include physical violence.

• Abuse is intentional and, although there is a relationship between woman abuse and such factors as substance use or stress, these are not causes of woman abuse.

Forms and Tactics of Abuse

Abusers may use a number of different tactics to exert power and control over their partner. Abuse is a misuse of power and a violation of trust.

The abuse may happen one time or it may occur in a repeated and escalating pattern over a period of months or years. The abuse may change over time.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to instil fear, thereby controlling the thoughts, beliefs and actions of the woman.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is the intentional infliction of pain or injury by:

• slapping, shoving, punching, strangling, kicking, burning, stabbing and/or shooting
• “caring” in an abusive way including giving too much medication, keeping confined, neglecting or withholding care
• using a weapon or other objects to threaten, hurt or kill
• sleep deprivation – waking a woman with relentless verbal abuse
• poisoning

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is any form of forced sexual activity, including unwanted sexual touching, sexual relations without voluntary consent and the forcing or coercing of degrading, humiliating or painful sexual acts, including:

• rape
• forcing a woman to watch or take part in pornography
• forcing a woman to watch partner engage in sexual acts with others
• being compared to other lovers
• ridiculing sexual performance or sexual organs
• using weapons or other objects to penetrate
• touching or acting in any way that a woman does not want
• forcing or pressuring a woman into sexual acts
• forcing a woman into prostitution
• preventing a woman from receiving information or education about sexuality
• forcing a woman to become pregnant, have an abortion or have an operation to prevent pregnancy
• infecting a woman with HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)

Psychological/Emotional Abuse

Psychological or emotional abuse is the use of systematic tactics and behaviour intended to control, humiliate, intimidate, instill fear, or diminish a person’s sense of self-worth, including:

• verbal aggression
• forcing a woman to do degrading things ( e.g. eating cigarette butts or licking the floor)
• forcibly confining a woman against her will
• stalking or harassing
• deliberately threatening behaviours (e.g. speeding through traffic or playing with weapons)
• threatening to harm or kill children, other family members, pets or prized possessions
• threatening to remove, hide or prevent access to children, or threatening to report the woman to the Children’s Aid Society
• threatening to have the woman put in an institution
• threatening to tell friends or family the woman is a lesbian
• threatening to commit suicide
• controlling a woman’s time, actions, dress, hairstyle, etc.
• preventing a woman from seeing a dentist or doctor
• not respecting a woman’s privacy
• denying affection or personal care
• taking away a woman’s mobility device, teletype writer (TTY), medication, hearing aids, or guide dog
• belittling a woman through name-calling or descriptions such as “stupid,” “crazy” or “irrational”
• accusing a woman of cheating or being promiscuous
• leaving a woman without transportation or any means of communication, especially in isolated or rural communities
• attacking a woman’s self-esteem in other ways

Social Abuse

• putting her down or ignoring her in public
• not letting the woman see her friends or family, making a scene, being charming with others and aggressive with her
• embarrassing the woman in front of her children, using children as a weapon, not taking responsibility for children
• placing limits on a woman about the people with whom she can talk on the phone or visit
• cutting a woman off from friends and family
• forcing a woman to be part of illegal/criminal acts (e.g. welfare fraud, drug operations, etc.)

Stalking/Harassment

Stalking includes repetitive harassing or threatening behaviour done in a way that creates physical or emotional fear or apprehension in the person being stalked. A stalker may be trying to get his partner back or may wish to harm her as punishment for her departure. Regardless of the form, the victim fears for her safety or even her life.

Stalking includes:

• harassing her at work
• repeated phone calls, sometimes with hang-ups
• following, tracking (possibly even with a global positioning device)
• finding her through public records, online searching, or paid investigators
• watching with hidden cameras
• suddenly showing up where she is, at home, school, work, in the grocery store, at a movie, or in a restaurant
• sending emails, communicating in chat rooms, or with instant messaging
• sending unwanted packages, flowers, cards, gifts, or letters
• monitoring her phone calls or computer use
• contacting her friends, family, co-workers, or neighbours to find out about her
• going through her garbage
• threatening to hurt her or her family, friends or pets
• damaging her home, car or property
• using the children as an excuse to repeatedly contact the woman or to show up where she and the children are (at the children’s school or day care, at their extracurricular activities)
• engaging in legal bullying during family court proceedings

Legal Bullying

Legal bullying is a very common kind of separation violence since this is one of the few remaining ways he can attempt to control and harass her. Legal bullying includes dragging out support and custody proceedings, refusing to pay support or alimony, withholding assets, and fighting for custody solely to maintain control over the woman. The abuser may:

• appear charming and conciliatory to the judge or other legal personnel and deny the abuse, raising questions about the credibility of the woman’s story

• have her counter-charged by the police, complaining that she assaulted him too

• not allow children to call home on access visits

• act as his own lawyer as a bullying strategy in which he cross-examines the woman to intimidate her. This can make her a less effective witness in her own case

• make endless motions over minor or inappropriate issues. This requires the woman to make repeated court appearances to respond, leading to increased legal costs, time away from work, child care challenges, and sometimes long distance travel to get to court. The abuser may continue with motions until she is worn down or financially unable to continue.

• use intimidation and threats if the woman doesn’t agree to financial arrangements that disadvantage her

• pressure her to accept mediation and joint custody arrangements even if she feels threatened and unsafe

• coerce the woman to trade away some legal rights (e.g. the right to property or financial support) in exchange for others (e.g. custody of the children)

• pressure her to change bail conditions or to try to have the charges dropped if he has been criminally charged

• contact the woman out of court with the guise of negotiating the case. This can be dangerous both psychologically and physically

• use delay tactics such as refusing to sell the matrimonial home or respond to legal offers, delaying providing financial information, etc.

• repeatedly change lawyers, thus slowing the process down

• withhold information (such as financial disclosure) and then insist on unreasonable disclosure from her

• threaten to obtain sole custody of the children if she insists on leaving

• make malicious reports to the court and other officials (child protection authorities, police, housing personnel, Ontario Works, etc.) about the woman

• threaten harm or death if the woman pursues legal proceedings

• use stalking behaviours (property damage, excessive phone calls, phone threats and verbal abuse, phoning and hanging up, etc.), particularly if the woman takes a stand against what he wants

• threaten to call CAS and have the children removed

• attempt to interfere in the professional relationship a woman has with her lawyer in an effort to reduce her confidence in her own lawyer.

Immigrant Abuse

Sponsored immigrant and refugee women as well as women who are in Canada with no legal status are especially vulnerable to abusive relationships. For immigrant women who don’t speak English, their spouses may be their only link to the outside world. Dangers and difficulties for immigrant women include:

• dependency upon her partner for immigration status; facing the threat of deportation from the abuser

• she may be unaware that she has status or citizenship

• dependency upon her partner for economic support. The fear of having no income and no legal way to support herself and her children

• fear of and lack of familiarity with the Canadian legal system

• lack of knowledge about her legal rights

• difficulty accessing legal help due to economic, legal, or language barriers

• communication and cultural roadblocks

• threats from the abuser that he will get custody of the children and/or will remove them from Canada

• threats of penalties (such as losing custody of her children) in her own country

• denial of access to her passport or essential immigration papers

• threats that she will be ostracized from her ethnic community and family

• fear about the police based on experiences in her country of origin or in Canada so she won’t turn to them for support.

Economic Abuse

Economic abuse includes any act or behaviour that maintains control of financial resources or maintains a woman’s financial dependence. It can include the following:

• withholding money for basic necessities (e.g. food, clothing, diapers, medication, transportation, etc.) or for emergencies

• forcing her to pay a disproportionate share of household expenses

• preventing a woman from getting to work, controlling where she works, not allowing a woman to work, forcing her to work

• spending or mismanaging family income, including a woman’s earned income and/or savings, and leaving her and the children with little or no money

• controlling a woman’s spending, including where purchases are made, what is purchased, etc. and forcing her to account for and justify all spending

• using credit cards without her permission and destroying her credit rating

• obtaining credit or incurring bills in her name without her knowledge or consent

• forcing her to turn over benefit payments or entitlements

• denying access to education/training opportunities (e.g. upgrading, ESL) that may lead to increased earnings or employment

• threatening to make false allegations about fraud to Ontario Works.

Spiritual Abuse

The use of a belief system to control, degrade or punish a woman. Spiritual abuse may include:

• using religion to control a woman’s behaviour
• punishing or ridiculing a woman for her religious beliefs
• preventing a woman from practicing her religious beliefs
• forcing a woman to practice certain beliefs and engage in rituals
• putting down or attacking her spiritual beliefs
• preventing a woman from going to church, synagogue, temple or other religious institution of her choice
• forcing a woman to join and/or stay in a cult.

Homophobic Control/Heterosexist Control

The abuser exploits societal homophobia and the woman’s possible internalised anxieties about her sexual orientation to further control her by:

• threatening to “out” her to family, friends, employer, police, church or community;
• questioning or belittling her sexual orientation;
• threatening to take custody because of her sexual orientation;
• making homophobic comments to the children;
• threatening her new partner;
• reporting her to child protection authorities for being unfit because of her sexual orientation.